What lies beneath

First.

2009-05-05T07:04:00.003+08:00

It's already a month since we separated.

I tried so hard to suppress my feelings.

Divert my thoughts.

Keep myself busy.

But at the end of the day, I still think of you.

Sigh.

How do you deal with such a conflict when you can't even deal with yourself?

"You said move on, where do i go?"

I just felt that things were fine before.

What made you do this?

How could you bring yourself to do this?

When did you come to think of doing this?

Which things have said or did not say or do or did not do that made you feel like you should end us?

You make it seem so simple but look at what you've done to me.

Look at what you've done to yourself.

Baby, you are given a choice - You can choose to leave me and focus on your work OR

you can choose to deal with me and your work and still work things out. Apparently you chose the first option and let me go.

I wonder how has this decision changed you.

What have you benefit from this decision?

And it's not so clear right now.

2009-04-26T23:00:00.003+08:00

I feel like I'm hanging from a thread. I can climb back up. Though, it's not so secure. Or i can just keep hanging on till the thread snaps. It just seems so uncertain now. I feel so confused.

Sigh.

God, please show me a sign.

3rd week notice.

2009-04-25T10:46:00.002+08:00

My life is not stagnant. It never will be. There are constant challenges everyday, everywhere.

I'm still learning to deal with. Suppressing it. Facing it. Feeling it.

Everyday i put on a mask. A different mask each day. One which shows me genuinely smiling on day 1. One that shows me smiling for the sake of smiling on day 2. I do choose to be happy. But there's that bit of me which is like solid diamond. Can't be broken or changed or shaped. It's just there. And it hurts.

I feel stupid sometimes. I'm sorry. I just don't think I can move on yet. The pain still lingers.

Every single day. Anything that reminds me of you triggers me. It pinches my feelings. I am such a mess but i don't show it. I'm trying hard to suppress it. But sometimes i just can't do it anymore. I can't take it. Though at times i manage to gather some strength to deal with things, right now, i just don't know if i can do it anymore. I'm not in denial. Just that i am still overwhelmed with disappointment.

And i can't bring myself to bargain in this situation. I feel like I'm the left hand who lost my partner - the right hand. And now I'm hurting cause I realised that i can't clap anymore. I'm still learning to ease the pain. I feel like a tidal wave of hurt and conflict and sadness just hit me. And I'm still under the waves but when i scream for help, no one could hear me.

Talk about irony. I'm doing conflict management right now. And i can't even deal with my own issues. I can't get over you.

You know, this is not a win-win situation. I feel that it's a lose-lose situation.

And it's not doing me any good at all.

I don't see this doing good for you too.

You're just immersed in work so that you don't think of me too much.

But i know you do. I didn't just know you yesterday.

Every time i see a KR outside, it triggers me.

Every time i look at your picture, it triggers me.

Every time i read your messages, it triggers me.

Last Wednesday on the 22nd, it triggered me.

I don't know how to deal with this.

I know i have to try.

But it's too hard for me right now.

I just can't get over you.

I can't.

Not now.

The story goes..

2009-04-06T23:10:00.002+08:00

I wish it didn't happen.

I wish.

I lost someone i really love.

But, it's better to have love and lost then never to have loved at all.

"kini kau bersayap pergilah terbang, rentaslah langit cita-citamu..." Selamat ulang tahun sayang by Imran Ajmain.

Close call.

2009-03-27T21:14:00.004+08:00

It's all around us.

It happens any day, anytime, anywhere.

And recently it's been sort of haunting me.

After watching a movie about death last Saturday, there was somewhat a series of events that followed. On Monday, one of hubby's friend passed away. And that friend was my cousin's friend's sis. Well that was just the beginning. On Tuesday, our dear school senior - Haikal, passed away. I was really taken aback by the news. It was hard to actually accept the fact. On Wednesday, one of hubby's relative passed away. Gosh, 3 deaths in 3 straight days. I was pretty freaked out. And yesterday while on the way home from school, I almost got hit by a cab. But thanks to my lovely friend, she managed to pull me away just in time. The cab was so close. SO CLOSE. PHEW! Thanks to my lovely friend Byte:) And syukur Alhamdulillah i am safe. Thank you Allah for saving my life and reminding me how precious life is.

Till then, I have to work on my assignment and start my revision for my exam! :)

Glory.

2009-03-22T10:11:00.002+08:00

Spread out beautifully on the horizon was the sunset.

The sky had a deep glow of orange which turned brighter.

Spread all over the sky like a magnificent painting.

Then it turned a deep red. Swallowing the orange life.

And it was gone soon enough and it started to drizzle.

Such a breath taking view.

I'm feeling so sleepy right now..

Departures is such an amazing movie.

It's been ages since i watched a movie which made me cry so much.

Sometimes it seems as if we live aimlessly until something hits us and we go.."What the hell have I been doing all this while?.."

Have a beautiful Sunday:)

Uber sleepy.

2009-03-20T16:29:00.002+08:00

GOSH! I'm quite disappointed with the job fair at Suntec Convention Centre today..I only managed to register my resume at Great Eastern. I was expecting so much more today. Perhaps my expectations were too high? Anyway, i woke up at 8 and took my time to get ready. Ended up having breakfast outside and taking the rebound train to Pasir Ris then to City Hall. And I'm glad my cousin and I did just that. Arrived around 11.15am. Met my friend at City Hall and we set off with our high hopes to the job fair. It was slightly crowded there. It's like there are more people exiting then entering.

Well, it doesn't matter now. At least i was motivated to go. And I still have some motivation to spur me on to get a job. Seems like my friend an I are pretty desperate for a job. I've been jobless for over a month now. I don't like the feeling of not having a job at all! *sulks* Well, I'll just have to try harder and keep on trying! :)

On another note, I notice many weird teen trends now.

Sometimes I get criticized for being in this generation - widely known as Generation Y.

Y for YOUTH/YOUNG..I suppose.

Like a Malay saying - One droplet of dye ruins a whole bucket of milk.

Some teens aren't as bad as you think. Smart and innovative. With fine character.

Like old sayings - You can't judge a book by it's cover.

Teens are human beings too you know. We have EMOTIONS.

It might be that our hormones are raging and we have have the tendency to do stupid/irritating/irrational things. We need some guidance and support from others to lead us to the right path. I'm sure some time ago you were a teen yourself. And you might be thinking, "Gosh..I can never forget that time when I was doing this back when i was a teen..."

Every adult has been through that phase.

But to think of it, you'll also be thinking.."During my time, I wasn't like this..what's gotten into teens right now?" And who is the one to blame you ask? Well, I DON'T KNOW?

What do you think?

Phase one.

2009-03-19T13:18:00.009+08:00

I'm finally back. My old blog is already dead. So many things happened while I've not blogged. I've had closer bonds with my classmates, lost my job, learned to be happier and loved food even more! ;) I'm trying to put my free time to fruitful things.. just that I'm kinda broke. So figuring out what to do.....for free! =) and still job hunting..

There are a few things in mind which I'd love to overcome but lack the courage..

1) Play hotel 626 with no distractions. HAHA!

2)Overcome my fear of heights....

Well, that's all i can think of right now.

And if you have no plans this week or weekend..and feel like watching something scary..

Coming Soon ain't that bad..

Go catch it at cinemas! ;)

Or for a cheaper alternative, gather some friends, hitch a ride and go ghost hunting!~

Till then, I'm off to have lunch. =)

doubt.

2009-02-13T15:01:00.000+08:00

Day 1.

Friday the 13th.