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3rd week notice.
Saturday, April 25, 2009 10:46 AM
My life is not stagnant. It never will be. There are constant challenges everyday, everywhere. I'm still learning to deal with. Suppressing it. Facing it. Feeling it.
Everyday i put on a mask. A different mask each day. One which shows me genuinely smiling on day 1. One that shows me smiling for the sake of smiling on day 2. I do choose to be happy. But there's that bit of me which is like solid diamond. Can't be broken or changed or shaped. It's just there. And it hurts.
I feel stupid sometimes. I'm sorry. I just don't think I can move on yet. The pain still lingers. Every single day. Anything that reminds me of you triggers me. It pinches my feelings. I am such a mess but i don't show it. I'm trying hard to suppress it. But sometimes i just can't do it anymore. I can't take it. Though at times i manage to gather some strength to deal with things, right now, i just don't know if i can do it anymore. I'm not in denial. Just that i am still overwhelmed with disappointment.
And i can't bring myself to bargain in this situation. I feel like I'm the left hand who lost my partner - the right hand. And now I'm hurting cause I realised that i can't clap anymore. I'm still learning to ease the pain. I feel like a tidal wave of hurt and conflict and sadness just hit me. And I'm still under the waves but when i scream for help, no one could hear me.
Talk about irony. I'm doing conflict management right now. And i can't even deal with my own issues. I can't get over you.
You know, this is not a win-win situation. I feel that it's a lose-lose situation. And it's not doing me any good at all. I don't see this doing good for you too. You're just immersed in work so that you don't think of me too much. But i know you do. I didn't just know you yesterday.
Every time i see a KR outside, it triggers me. Every time i look at your picture, it triggers me. Every time i read your messages, it triggers me. Last Wednesday on the 22nd, it triggered me.
I don't know how to deal with this. I know i have to try. But it's too hard for me right now.
I just can't get over you. I can't. Not now.
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